"M is for Mother" by Alexandra Antipa
Alexandra Antipa and I are cyber friends. She lives in the UK, and reached out to me one day recently to tell me about her book that she had recently published, and asked me if I would be interested in reading it. Those of you who know me well, understand that I like to read and even publish in my blog stories that may provide inspiration for my followers.
Alexandra story is long and arduous, however, she does get to the other side of infertility with a beautiful baby girl. I have delved into Alexandra’s book, “M is for Mother” and I think it will provide a lot of perspective for a brand new mother who has faced infertility and has overcome it. I hope you will take a moment to read Alexandra’s story below, and look for her book on Amazon.
My name is Alexandra and I am the mother of a beautiful three-year old girl, the wonder we call Lorelai. I gave birth to her at 32, after struggling with infertility for more than a decade. For the longest of time, I avoided getting a diagnosis, fearing the doctor might say I could not get pregnant. I was dying inside, looking at everyone around me having babies; usually, after spending time around friends who had become parents, I went home and cried myself to sleep.
Infertility. I avoided the topic as much as possible, feeling ashamed to talk about it. I kept bearing conversations with myself, asking all sorts of accusatory questions. Why can’t you get pregnant? What is wrong with you? It took me years to accept there was nothing wrong with me, to understand that it was not my fault for not being able to conceive with ease.
In 2014, when I was close to turning 30, we moved to a new country. It was here that I could no longer contain my desire to have a baby. Encouraged by my husband, and my biggest supporter in the world, I sought an answer. My infertility was caused by two health issues, PCOS and a pituitary adenoma. The doctor gave us little chance to get pregnant, but he said we should try before we resort to IVF.
All of a sudden, we entered into a process that had nothing to do with the way a baby should come into the world. There were investigations, treatments, and ovulation tests. I had to take my temperature every day and record it on a chart. I took medication that helped regulate my period. The irony was that I felt pregnant so many times, even though the tests refused to confirm my desire. My body desired a baby so much, that it often mimicked the symptoms of a pregnancy. Yet, when the test showed a negative result, I felt like my whole world came crumbling down.
When my period was late again, I suspected the treatment had started to fail. I did not dare to think that I was pregnant, fearing disappointment. Right the day before, we had scheduled our first appointment at the fertility center; we were to discuss the IVF procedure, and what options we had. Just making that call gave me the chills, I wanted to a baby so badly, but I feared the period lying ahead. What if we went through IVF and our dream would fail to come true?
It’s not for nothing that I call my daughter my miracle baby. Even though I was about 1% convinced that I might be pregnant, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I waited until the next morning, so I could be alone and process the news on my own; I could not stand seeing another look of disappointment on my husband’s face. When the test turned positive, I was stunned. It had happened!
What followed was a difficult pregnancy, with a lot of treatments, more bedrest than I would have ever imagined, and a mountain of anxiety. I had a wonderful doctor, who took excellent care of me and our baby girl; he was always a phone call away and that helped me stay confident. Lorelai was born at 36 weeks. Very much like today, she did not have the patience to wait for the full-term birth. She was healthy and strong, and I was happy. Like any mother will tell you, that was the highest moment of my life. Holding her in my arms made more sense than anything in the world.
I decided to write the story of how I became a mother, and what it meant to be a mother after struggling with infertility, in the hope I will inspire other women to pursue their dream of motherhood. I was lucky, I know. My experience did not include invasive procedures, repeated IVF cycles, or other complex treatments. We had our baby girl, and we thank God every day for her presence. But it was not easy, and we often felt lost. I believe talking about it would have helped us go through those difficult times easier.
After I published my story, I was surprised to discover how many couples I knew actually suffered from infertility. They only had the courage to talk about it, after realizing that we had went through the same thing. This is what I desire most to happen: that we stop seeing infertility as something to talk about behind closed doors. We need to support one another, and tell our stories; your story might inspire others to open up, and fell less alone in the end.